a very long time trying to think of a moderately appropriate title for this blogpost.

About 15 minutes.

That’s, what, 14 minutes longer than I should have?

But bear with me.

I want you to stop for a moment and just focus on this little bit, okay? Especially my fellow 7G Huisman graduates.

…

Today, I went shopping with a childhood (? xD) friend, one I haven’t seen for a while.

We went to Indigo, to HMV, and I got a few presents from her for my birthday. Yay! Thanks, Jules. Ever After and Waking Up are rocking on my CD player right now, and I just finished a book.

Never, ever, play the second half of Waking Up (the album, but just the song itself would do fine) by One Republic and read Tuesdays with Morrie at the same time if there is no purpose.

Listen to it and read with a purpose. Always listen and read it (or just read, really).

Know, acknowledge, and accept, embrace, even, that you are going to cry and your heart is going to be in little shredded smithereens by the time you get to page 76 or something and the music is on repeat.

(I had tears by page 44, by the way, because it was all “feck shiz I remember this ohgod no no no don’t no aghhhh my heart”.)

Someday soon, I just want to sit down with you guys on a nice, sunny Tuesday and just read this aloud. Never mind that you’re going to see me cry and fairly wail by the time we near the end, I just want to read it to you guys, with you guys.

I love you. There’s no time like the present.

/dieu, I lost my train of thought

EFF THIS SHIZ

–

On the other hand, there is a problem with my switching of courses due to the fact that SOMEONE SNATCHED MY SEAT THE DAY AFTER I GET MY FORM. SERIOUSLY. I TOOK SO LONG TO GET THE SIGNATURE AND YOU. TAKE. MY. SEAT.

-groan-

I’ma see if I can get it back.

On the other hand…

OUTING TOMORROW

G’LUCK WITH SATs, JULES

AND SEE YOU AT INDIGO. RAWR.

lemon squeezy

but going to fail

the chemistry

–

Poetry at its finest. xDDD

YEAH SO THE PHYSICAL GEOGRAPHY EXAM WAS A BREEZE

BUT I’M SO GOING TO BOMB CHEM NOW

/needs to start studying again

/does not want to

eff you heta

and damn myself for being a fool

hold on tightly,

and please,

don’t let go

philjayr:

Doesn’t mean I don’t think about you. Doesn’t mean I don’t check up on you. Doesn’t mean I don’t worry and wonder about how you are doing. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about you anymore.

(via kitkatmreow)

Via tumblr.

–

Not that this really applies to anything anymore. xDDD

the night before

and its about time I started this

aura restored

I’ve collected some dues

and paid my debts

so just grant me one last wish

before the coming of deaths

just one last Fifth evening

I was born on a Fourth

and by tomorrow morning

I hope there’s still more

with one year of risk

up ahead of me, walking next to me

hold me if such a passing

could ever occur

say, I know

its all divination and disbelief

but twas three, four years ago

I made this prophecy

so spare me your doubt

and don’t disagree

because you never know in this world

just let me, be me

and I’m sitting here, at this desk

contemplating what to write

a last testament

the last word

grant what to who I should

and so its Friday evening

before a year starts anew

let me finish my will

and give me, to you

find me at my desk

find me on the road

find me in my bed

find me in the halls I once roamed

give your blessings, please, let me go

you never know, you never know

just follow through with my last wishes

and understand (accept) my throes

its not to be morbid

to think not past the year

but hey if it works

then you are still who I will always hold dear

and one by one and two by two

bless you if you tear, hold you if you care

all the times a-ticking

and I want you to know

that it would be love, that keeps me here

love one might never know

oh, why is it

so cold

so cold

so cold

love, your sis,

shandershon

–

I don’t know what to call myself how to refer to myself

I’ll just be Shandy to you, eh?

-hums-

ah-woo~ ahhh-woooo-oooo~

you don’t know how lovely you are

cache-cache, me retrouver, s’il te plaît

ahhhnnnn, oooooh, ahhhhhhnn, wooahhhhhh

’cause you shine like the universe, with so many stars

think of all the potential

think of all the unexplored

c’mon, get higher, there’s further we can go

beyond solid ground and earth

past the atmosphere, and hey, look, past the moon and Mars

its better than you think it is

up here and down there but oh

the world still goes ’round and there’s still breath in your lungs so

just keep on living it out now

live with me now

hmmmmm

hmmmhmmmm, hmmmmm~

happy 5th, bro

derp.

I don’t even know if I mean it

let’s assume I do

I hurt on the inside right now and I’m not quite sure why.

It might be that fic I read.

It might be those Coldplay songs I’ve had on replay for the past few hours.

It might be the lack of interaction and communication from this weekend (even though I had a healthy dosage on Friday).

It might be from the fact that I had planned to study but never got around to it.

It might be physical but that’s just too much info right there.

But anyways, this isn’t a feeling of miserable, it’s just… ugh. There’s a distinct lack of comfort and I can’t feel right anymore. I’m missing something entirely on a scale too large for me to comprehend. And it hurts.

The frick am I saying.

I just kinda want to recite lyrics from different songs here right now.

But that wouldn’t make any sense either, so I’ll refrain from boring you with that.

Happy New Year.

Let’s the games begin.

-groan-

—

It’s 2012, and I’ve made no new resolutions.

There is no change from one numbered ‘year’ to the next. Because really, its just day-by-day, isn’t it?

Isn’t it?

But I have to tell you, your own birthday means more.

Because you are one year older.

You, not the world, the earth, the civilized globe.

You.

You’re body is older by an entire year. Your mind, generally most of the time, is older by one year.

Dear god, I hope you matured somehow. Even just a little bit.

I have less than 9 days.

Some others, less.

I hope I’ve grown.

I hope I’ve grown up, from however I used to be like the year before. When I was a year younger.

I hope we all do-have-will. Because I think its worth it.

Growing.

One thing we can’t control, the leading edge that we use, towards our ultimate fate, as living beings, organisms.

when the purpose to life is to live, grow old, and die

lol I’ma such a fucking downer today, ain’t I?

I want you to shut up.

Seriously, stop talking to me like that.

I know I don’t know what the frick I’m doing. I know I’m pathetic and young and know no better, and yet somehow I’m supposed to know better and take everything off your hands so you can brag to others about your well-raised, self-sufficient kids and others would feel envious of your not-having-to-do-anything-with-them munchkins. I know.

I know too much. And that’s why sometimes a lick of alcohol, a puff of something disgustingly high, or maybe just a freaking bullet to the head can sound appealing.

(You know I’m lying through my teeth. That actually sounds terrible. I’m glad that the little, ignorant world I live in is free of all that shit.)

…

well, fuck, I need to move onto some other medium besides words. I suck at this. Haha!

I’ll never be as eloquent as either of you. As much as I would like to be. Because something messed up in my brain earlier in my life and rendered my languages skills to be bullshit.

I don’t have the feel for it. (when its at the tip of my tongue, and I can feel it about to fly off my fingers, but its all just dissipating into the air I breath and not re-registering in my mind and this is just. not. going. anywhere.)

Nothing.

—

I need a psychiatrist. like McKnight

I think it’ll have to be someone who I don’t know.

/lol no duh

That saddens me, yeah? Because there’s still so much shit I haven’t said to you yet, told you yet, shared with you yet, and already I want to turn to a psychiatrist.

I don’t actually need one, I mean.

Because plenty thoughts go around. Enough to let me-

Yeah.

I don’t know.

Aw, well, damnit.

// Listening to: She Will Be Loved – Maroon 5

Feck, that’s a lot in three months of school.

I’m going on a cruise – tomorrow. Well, no, not really, the cruise is the day after tomorrow because we have to go to the States first to get to the cruise. But yeah. Vacation~ To the Bahamas.

On the other hand, that means I’m finishing all of my homework tonight. Or not, you never know.

Because someone appears to have a stick up her arse, raising her voice like that and ranting and lecturing (and wasting my time, as per usual) for a good 30 minutes (again).

I guess I’ll post picture of … stuff, here and flickr (for the flowers, duh), after I get back. Which is approximately the evening of January 8th.

Watch me get swamped with work.

Dieu, I hate my life. -groan-

I also hate going on vacation and starting it with a bad, terrible mood. -headdesk-